A Slice of Confusion

I was racing sundown with my lawnmower one evening, when my son started a pizza protest in the front yard. He was hungry. I, on the other hand, was hungry, hot, and grumpy with grass allergies.  So, when I finally relented, I was quick to grab my phone out of our minivan, skipping the trip inside to find my reading glasses.  Glasses aren’t required when all you have to do is google "Fairview Dominos."

The Dominos girl asked for my phone number, typed it in on her computer, and then asked for it again. "Hmm, I can’t find it,” she said. “Can I have your address?"

After more typing, she again asked for my address. Then she asked for the last number of my address. Then she asked for my phone number. Again. Then she checked the spelling of our street. I had just the slightest twinge that things were not going as usual. 

“You said you’ve ordered a pizza with us before?”

“Yes, Yes!” I said testily.  “You guys are on our street all the time. We're right around the corner in River," I said.

"Oh...You live down by the river?" she said. This was a response so unusual, and unexpected, that I actually shook my head like characters do in cartoons when they try to process strange input. 

"I don't live down by the river," I said incredulously. "I live in the River."

"I don't know what that means," she said.

“What it means," I snipped, "is that I'm so close to your store, that you could step outside right now and hear me yelling at you." 

Not surprisingly, she gave way to the manager. 

"Hello sir," he said. "Sorry about the confusion. Can I have your address please?" 

I dug in for another round.  "Listen to me. We're right around the corner in River." 

"Yeah, she said you live down by the river." 

There it was again. Down by the river. I wasn't down by the river. I was standing motionless, staring up at the sky.  A simple pizza order was sending me into the Twilight Zone. "Look man," I said wearily. "I live closer to the mall than the river. But if it helps me get a pizza...then I'm down by the river. Okay?"

"Okay, then here's what you do,' he said.” Call 201-945..." 

"But why am I calling area code 201 for a pizza!?" I interrupted, roaring back to life. "What is 201? 
Why am I calling 201?!" 

"Well, sir, it's still Jersey" he said, "But that's the location that delivers down by the river." I felt a quick panic, and looked down at my phone. I had called the Domino’s Pizza in Fairview, New Jersey instead of Fairview Park, Ohio.

"Hello? Sir?" he said. "Are you still there?” I sheepishly apologized. Twice actually. Then I hung up the phone, got my glasses, and very carefully dialed the Fairview Park Dominos.

The moral to the story? Take your pick. Use your glasses. Be patient. Stop and think. They all apply.

Tim Piai

Tim Piai is a freelance writer living in Rocky River.

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Volume 3, Issue 5, Posted 3:54 PM, 11.05.2015